Thursday, May 27, 2010

Getting Older

I am not sure why but turning 23 is really freaking me out. My birthday is next week and until now, I always thought that my age sounded young...even the age 22 sounds like a young adult fresh out of college, ready to conquer the world. But 23, that sounds like a real adult...some people are super successful by then, have traveled the world, have won olympic medals, invented some crazy amazing thing (like the facebook inventor), or at least are well on their way into following their dreams. And where am I? In the middle of Asia, forgetting that time is passing me by.

I find myself often dividing my life into 2 parts: my real life (ie my life in the USA) and my singapore life. I feel like I try so hard to convince myself that this life in Singapore, where I have spent so much time being unhappy and wishing I were anywhere but here, is not reality. At the moment, on this cusp of true adulthood, I often find myself thinking, "when I grow up I would never be one of those people that moves far away and only sees their parents/friends once a year if that". BUT reality flash Stephanie, I am one of those people. I am a grown up and have not set foot in California in half a year, and it might be quite a few months before I do. My real life is here in Singapore...and my other life is in the past. My grown up sojourn into asia has lasted 10 months!

I think the hardest part about getting older, is losing the things that once defined you and trying to find the things that define you now. Growing up I was always there were so many things that always defined me, made me who I was. I was the vegetarian/picky eater, the figure skater, the nice-ish one/the one that easily made friends, and the cute dresser. But in my 22nd year on earth, those things are no longer the ones that define me. I have not skated in a year...that was thing that used to make me feel so unique. And I know that this break from skating will not be like the one I had from age 18-19. I won't be able to just jump back in and skate the same as before. I can feel that my body isn't as young anymore. I am also not such a picky eater any more. I am still a vegetarian, but in these 10 months I have tried so many more food I than I ever thought I would. For instance, today I had a mushroom crepe. I used to hate mushrooms, but now I don't mind them as much if they are mushy. But like who is this person?! And living here has also made me a bit mean/bitter. I am surrounded by drama/work politics and I am not sure why, and drama makes it hard to be nice. Maybe it is Singapore or maybe its me, but I also find it so much harder to make friends now without school. And I no longer bother even making outfits! Its so damn hot that I can't be bothered...i just through on any dress and go. So i guess what I am trying to say is, if I am no longer any of these things that made me who I was for 22 years, than who am I?

I have to admit I never wanted to grow up that badly. I really enjoyed childhood. Although, I guess I had pictured what my life would be like after college, my "grown up" life, but this grown up life came so fast, I wasn't prepared. It is scary to imagine that childhood is really over. I never thought about all the things I needed to do to get to where I wanted to be. I always thought the interview question about your 5 year plan was ridiculous. I mean who plans their life out 5 years in advance? But now I envy those who can.

This year has gone by so feels like just yesterday that I was home doing something I was really passionate about, working somewhere that actually made me happy. But in reality that was last year, and I have just spent one year wandering off the path that I knew/know I should be on. I keep trying to convince myself that this is just a means to an end, and I keep using the economic recession as an excuse. There are no excuses in life, and I don't want to make excuses for myself anymore. I have to find a way to get back onto my path in life...that is my goal for age 23. No more excuses, this is the time to be the person I want to be, to pursue something I am actually passionate about. I won't let the fear of the unknown keep me back anymore. (I feel like that is easier said than done, but half the battle is saying it aloud, right?) Until next time, xxoo!

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